Some personal stuff

i'm a little sad/put out tonight. forgive me for the babble that will be in this journl entry.


i come from a small town as You know. i grew up in a farming community, living on a centry farm, in my Great Grandparents house, a couple of fields over from my Grandparents.
i was my Great Grandmother's favorite, and her eldest is my Grandfather, and i am his favorite, and his eldest is my Father, and i was his favorite until he had a son born 9 1/2 years after me. i'm the eldest grandchild with the Campbell name and i should be living on the farm, learning from my father so that i can inherit the land my ancestors owned.

But instead, i'm an outcast. i'm the black sheep.
at the same time.. i'm the one they all protect. "If we dont tell her about everything going on, she can't be hurt by it" i hate that they think that way.

just lastyear i lost my grandmother suddenly on my mother's side of the family. so now all i have left is my grandmother and grandfather on my father's side of the family. i love my grandmother like a good grandchild should (and i seem to be the only one in the family that does..) and i LOVE my grandfather.
no one tells me when they are sick. i call home and i find out that a month ago, or two weeks ago, or you didn't know that a year ago.. and it has to do with strokes, falling down, surgery, heart attacks.. and this time my father and brother were in an accident too.

i don't know how many times i have to tell them i love them. i don't know how many times i have to travel 8 hours just to visit, how many letters and cards and gifts, and phone calls does it take for them to see that i want to be involved in their lives?

the worst part is that so many live RIGHT THERE! and don't take the time to say hi for two minutes! i've visited more times than cousins that live just down the road.

i was very lucky growing up, i wish i could remember it all (another story to tell another day) like so many around me. but the memories i have, i treasure!

i have one memory of my grandpa Jim ( my mother's step father, her father died before i could meet him).
i was sitting on his knee and laughing with him smiling down on me. i was only 2 or 3, but i remember it like it was yesterday.

my aunt Patsy and Uncle Jim use to take me on trips when i was that young. i remember them taking me to Santa's Village and how happy i was pressing the buttons so that i could see and hear the nursery rymes i so loved as a kid. my uncle jim passed away about 6 years ago and even though that is the only memory i have of him, i cry every time i see his picture.

Ok. i just took a break there, and i feel much better.. i stoped writting for about 20 minutes and cried and cried and cried. i guess You could say i had a little more emotional baggage than i thought. i'm good at putting my thoughts in a jar in the deepest darkest corner of my mind.

i'll post good things in a bit. again, feel free to skip this post.